Paris Pwns McCain, Obama

The huge flap over John McCain's involvement of Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton in a campaign ad attacking Barack Obama over his celebrity has drawn fire from - get this - Paris Hilton!

In a video that appeared exclusively on the humor site funnyordie.com, Hilton shows that she is either an excellent actress or a pretty thoughtful person, depending on whether she actually wrote the script or was just reading someone else's words.

The video opens like the McCain ad with a view of a packed Capital mall and images of McCain, the Golden Girls, the Crypt Keeper, Larry King, and the Colonel Sanders logo from KFC. The announcer proclaims, “He's the oldest celebrity in the world. Like, super old. Old enough to remember when Dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket. But....is he ready to lead?”

Cut to Paris Hilton poolside in a chaise lounge reading a copy of Conte Nast Traveler.

“Hey, America. I'm Paris Hilton, and I'm a celebrity too. Only I'm not from the olden days, and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot. But then that wrinkly white haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I'm running for president. So thanks for the endorsement, white haired dude, and I want America to know that I'm, like, totally ready to lead. And now I want to present my energy policy program now...just as soon as I finish reading this article on where I can fly to get the best tan.”

Paris turns to read the magazine, and after ten seconds says, "Oh, Maui. Love it."

"So here's my energy policy. Barack wants to focus on new technologies to cut foreign oil dependency, and McCain wants offshore drilling. Well, why don't we do a hybrid of both candidate's ideas. We can do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight, while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars. That way the offshore drilling carries us until the new technologies kick in which will create new jobs and energy independence. Energy crisis solved."

"I'll see you at the debates, bitches. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm have to go pick out a vice president. I'm thinking Rhianna. I'll see you at the White House. Oh, and I might paint it pink. I hope that's cool with you guys. Bye! (blows kiss)"

That's followed by the typical closing shot of Paris (with her dog" trying to look all dignified and statesman-like and the voice over saying, "I'm Paris Hilton and I approved this message because it's totally hot."

Serious props to funnyordie.com for a funny piece of work. I only have two comments.

First, the piece marginalizes the campaigns of both McCain and Obama. The public perception of Paris Hilton as a vapid, shallow airhead being able to counter both campaigns so easily makes both camps look like the lunkheaded fools that they are.

Second, Paris (or whoever wrote her script) did something on a national stage that I never thought would happen. Bluntly, she stole my platform! For months I've advocated virtually the same thing -- limited drilling while pushing the hell out of alternative energy.

Now, thanks to Paris Hilton, the most logical energy program ever has the widest exposure it will ever have. Ironically, the espousing of the program by Paris may doom it to failure.

Or not.

After all, it is totally hot.

Wyatt Cox is only hot when it's 110 outside...and even then....

Totally hit him up, dude, at rant.wyattcox.net